Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
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Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure