Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
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Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
October already? What’s next? November????
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day