🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
“I FIXED IT!”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My daily affirmation
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that