When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
how to screw with your cat’s head 101