When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
good work, everybody
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My dream job is getting paid to dream
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.