“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
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Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Pickled cat.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I saw this ending much differently.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR