[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
You Might Also Like
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
gm
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome