April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
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Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.