The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Good news
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.