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me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is