Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.