What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
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Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Finally a use for spoilers…
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact