Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
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And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
What the dentist sees
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.