My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
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[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.