2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
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“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
selfie game
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
dam girl
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.