How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
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You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.