There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
This is so me 😂😂
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…