me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
i now pronounce you bounced.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Life cycle of cat
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable