*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Friday
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”