There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat