[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
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I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Hello, my name is Pierre.