[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
You Might Also Like
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
What the hell is going on?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold