I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
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Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Has science gone too far?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.