(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.