Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”