All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
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Saturday
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”