Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye