Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
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Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise