If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I had to Stop for this
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome