Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
You Might Also Like
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Seems a bit forward
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.