Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
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For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.