My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
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Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Ah yes. The three genders
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.