One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
eating my hot dog hamburger style
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.