[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
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[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.