What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
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It’s a gift
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*