robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”