Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
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I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.