Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
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Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?