ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
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stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.