INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
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