Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.