eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
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Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
5 ways to appear taller
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?