when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
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every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go