Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
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Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”