“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
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[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
A classic…
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”