Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
normalize having existential bread
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
why no one uses midhusbands
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.