Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.