me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
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Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Lmfaoooooo
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.