WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
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VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Worst perfume name ever.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.