What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
figuring out my emotional availability:
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
This will never not be funny to me.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep